(no subject)
i'm glad i got to progress your story. i hope it was a nice little side quest. i'll always be waiting back here, in your humble beginnings, instead of at your side.
(no subject)
my placeholder status is going gold. i'm a world of fun when you're bored. i'm everything you could ever want when you need to relive your mistakes for the nostalgia. i'm nothing you could hold on to for more than a season. the sand starts to run through your fingers so you throw the rest onto the ground. i'm better on paper. and maybe you are too.
is it just this, forever?
(no subject)
i'm a rehab center for troubled girls. i get found when somebody hits their lowest, needs a friend, and recovers. there's no need for rehab after recovery. that's how you make yourself sad. my position in the lives of others is not permanent. i'm not a fixture of any load-bearing importance. the house doesn't shake when the beam is removed but the wood rots the whole way to the dump.
its a fun phase to go through. minimum wage before six figures, a weekend getaway before the summertime. a pass time. something you look back on fondly as a memory. but it ends at that. a memory. it's beyond you, it changed you, but you don't acknowledge it. it was a page in your story. irony is a cruel joke, isn't it?
i hope i garner a reputation strong enough to warrant a good makeup artist. she'll make me look good for my debut six feet under. i'll push every daisy with a furrow because even in death, all i am useful for is getting everyone else out of the dirt.
cabin fever dreams hum to me from outside; it would kill me to let them in.
is this anything? i'm sorry that i will never love like you do. i apologize for living in a different, indecipherable language. does it make sense? my destiny is solitude. it's not by choice. it's fate. i can feel it. it's a missing set of veins, it's an excess of muscle. an anomaly. it's a heart that skips beats out of fear. is that anything at all? it's being force fed after having your arms amputated. it's a structurally integral arrow that was in your skull when you were born. it's seeing timelines backwards. are you there? i will never be able to love in a way that matters. can you hear me? i can care and be appreciated but never at full capacity. are you listening? it's every stage of grief on loop at once. it's knowing. it's ignoring. it's fate. is any of this going through? it's robotic, subhuman, hollow. we cannot do it.
am i anything? i was born with no use. are you anything? i can't make you feel it.
is this anything? it's love that aches. it has overflown. it's not missing, just gone.
is this anything?
my love is infinite and then it stops.
am i anything? i was born with no use. are you anything? i can't make you feel it.
is this anything? it's love that aches. it has overflown. it's not missing, just gone.
is this anything?
my love is infinite and then it stops.
null
the tremors in my hand are back. somehow they coincide with episodes very often. it has to be some kind of symbolism, losing a part of yourself for a brief while and merely watching it happen. knowing a past mistake will forever remind you that it's still paying rent. letting it all go and knowing other people can see. i'm well versed in the ruse.
sometimes, i swear i can feel my knees start to go numb when i cross a busy street. maybe its wishful thinking. maybe an omen. time will tell.
until the sun goes black,
pm
sometimes, i swear i can feel my knees start to go numb when i cross a busy street. maybe its wishful thinking. maybe an omen. time will tell.
until the sun goes black,
pm
...but the world shall end when i forget
i have dreams of car crashes and lightning strikes, anything that would take my inconvenience off of your hands. i'm weak, you're still holding me up by a few threads on my limbs. they're all connected to my heart because i cut them from the ties on my brain. in my dreams you eat me alive, but i never mind the sight of the blood. eyes empty, but i know deep down there's a person trapped inside. to reach out and pull you in would kill me but i'd be alright with it. you think i look dead anyway. i could prove i'm not, but you wouldn't look my way long enough to give me a chance.
(no subject)
you made me sad, dude. i'll never tell you. but you really did. worst part is that you won't even know this is about you. it's just another set of words on your screen. and so am i.
(no subject)
throw me through the sieve a few more times, eventually you won't recognize my face anymore
(no subject)
the thoughts will slowly fester into regrets and ruminations. the kindle will get dimmer, and after every new hour passes, you find yourself colder than the last. you give up and go to bed, bracing yourself with an extra blanket.
(no subject)
i haven't been to therapy in two months.
in all honesty i'd be too embarrassed to tell her anything now, i might not go back. that's showbiz.
in all honesty i'd be too embarrassed to tell her anything now, i might not go back. that's showbiz.
(no subject)
i think they need to invent a way for me to know how every person i have ever met has perceived me
(no subject)
being sick always makes me start ruminating again. i wish i could tell people how much i care about them. but then they'd think i'm strange and overbearing. real shame or whatever.
(no subject)
there's a theory that humans are the only truly evil species. they're the only ones conscientious enough to tell right from wrong, yet they still, so often, choose the latter. it's almost the perfect excuse to act like an apex species, convincing yourself that every other one is too lowly to know what they're wrong about.
but how would we ever know if other animals aren't the same way? it's not like we can ask. if we could ask, would anyone bother to? or would they want to continue priding themselves on the hairtie they loaned a stranger last week?
my phone's been slow lately. maybe that's a higher being telling me to go off the grid. maybe i don't know what i'm wrong about either. more importantly, maybe i never want to. i'll be less evil that way.
but how would we ever know if other animals aren't the same way? it's not like we can ask. if we could ask, would anyone bother to? or would they want to continue priding themselves on the hairtie they loaned a stranger last week?
my phone's been slow lately. maybe that's a higher being telling me to go off the grid. maybe i don't know what i'm wrong about either. more importantly, maybe i never want to. i'll be less evil that way.
(no subject)
a letter is written in blood. is it mine or yours? who did the guilt eat more; the one to blame or the one who blamed herself? we shouldn't want to look for the answer, but you still do. luckily, you've already found it. i am not a singularity, you can only try your best to make me feel small. someday i hope to grow up.
a woman is now standing where once there was only a girl.
pm
a woman is now standing where once there was only a girl.
pm